The Year of Silence

In case you haven't noticed, it's been a year. A year since I last wrote on my blog. A year of listening, reading and reflection.  It has also unfortunately been a year of fear. If you can believe it I've been afraid of myself. I've been afraid of my emotions, which at times have been overwhelming. I've been afraid of my creativity.

I was at a prayer and fasting retreat this weekend. I had many epiphanies and this was one. It has also been a time of some regret and missed opportunities. I have been holding myself back from greatness. I wanted to a blur and assimilate to the background. I wanted to be a chameleon protecting myself with camouflage. In doing so I lost many colors. I forced myself to see black, gray, and white only. I was feeling the categorization of the whole color spectrum exhausting and smothering me.

I have one regret from this weekend itself. I brought my brand new camera from Christmas and did not use it.  Our retreat was in a remote location placed in the windy vast space, a place where trees bend out of fear of breaking. Or maybe they bend willingly, I'm not sure. Anyway, we were in a lodge with a roaring fireplace a room full of women watching the snow fall.  It was a beautiful sight inside and out. We had two redheads in the group. One was sitting on the hearth, the other was sitting beside me. I thought what a splendid photo to have them sit by the red, raging fire harmoniously with their red hair. The thought entered my mind more than once. I let them pass me by frightened by my own passion for savoring beauty. I wanted to be the moment appreciate and let it go.

When I got home I was looking at my family photos and realizing how grateful I am to have them. I am getting older and not stopping. Someday in the future my older self would have appreciated that photograph my younger self refused to take. I have decided to do my older self a favor and stop depriving my younger self. I will still practice self-control, but I will say "uncle" sooner.

I will do the same for my family, friends, and future friends. There are many time I have withheld encouragement. This was out of fear of sounding, corny, trite, or insincere. No more I am not only letting go of the pain (which by the way I hear of all the time.) The lesser known practice is indulging in giving in to pleasure and joy. I am looking forward to that the most.